This last week has been a very difficult one.  Personal life and work life balance has been difficult.  I’ve had very good conversations with my editor.  However, my own ability to sit down in front of my computer and actually do the editing has left me.

I noticed several twitter posts about running out of motivation.  I’ve given myself days to gather my thoughts.  I’ve allowed myself to take downtime.  You know what?  That’s all bullshit on my part.  The truth is I’m a procrastinator.  I get fired up and I run for a long time on pure adrenaline.  Then I hit an obstacle, in this case a scene that’s hard to cut down by 20 percent, and I get stuck.

It’s not necessary to get stuck.  I trust my editor to do the work to clean up my mess.  She is THAT good.  I did not lose motivation, what I lost is my own willingness to tackle something that is tedious, and difficult.  That’s not lack of motivation.  That is my OCD kicking in and saying, deep in my brain, “Hey, this is not going to be your best work, so don’t do it.”

My OCD and I are old frenemies.  It has helped me focus on the most miniscule of details and figure out a way through a problem. That’s when it’s my friend.  There are other times when it keeps me from doing less than best.  No, that’s not exactly right.  It keeps me from moving forward because I fear it won’t be the best.  That’s at the root of my procrastination.  

Put off till tomorrow that which you fear is not going to be great today.  But tomorrow I’ll be more rushed than I am today.  See the oxymoron?

Again, I have to call bullshit.  How do I know it is not the best when I have not done it?  How do I know it could be better, if I have not done it?  The purpose of editing is like sharpening a knife.  You take the edge and use a coarse whetstone and take it down.  You align it.  You give it the natural edge at the correct angle.  Is it done at that point?  No.  You repeat the process with a fine whetstone and hone that edge till the mere weight of the knife cuts tissue paper.  It takes effort, a bit of skill (to get the right angle), and a lot of practice and patience.

The first ten times I sharpened a knife it was just as dull when I finished as when I started.  I lacked the skill.  I worked at it.  I knew that it could be done, and that it required nothing but patience.  In that case my friend, OCD, helped me.  By the twentieth knife I was getting an acceptable edge.  

Now, some forty years later, I can sit to watch television and sharpen any of the knives in the kitchen.  The test is no longer a tissue, but a tomato.  If you can easily cut through a tomato, you have a sharp knife, and a bit of a reward.

Editing is daunting.  I’m taking 97,000 words down to 77,000 words or less.  I can’t do that.  I look at it, even in my fancy excel spreadsheet and it’s too much.  Yet, as I write this, I do know the answer.  It is not to finish editing the 97,000 words.  It is all about discipline to sit at the computer and do one scene at a time.  Just like when I wrote the book, it was done once scene and one chapter at a time.  I have to simply plant my, um, well you know what I mean, and start typing.  

Just like this blog.  I could not get done, till I finally plopped myself down in front of the empty page and started filling it with the truth as I know it at this moment.