I was feeling so good last week.  I had three chapters done and everything was going find.  Then.  Nothing!

Let me back up a bit.  My mind is never – I mean not ever – quiet.  My inner conversation is endless and limitless.  My mind was quiet.  Well, if you and I ignore the fact it was asking me why I wasn’t thinking of anything.  Figures!

I’m an engineer by passion.  It is all I wanted to be and do for my entire life since I was young enough to remember.  My noisy brain picks up on clues and presents options for me to investigate.  It is my greatest tool.  It is also my worst enemy.

If I let my thoughts run unfocused, they turn on me.  I start to think about how bad I am at one thing or another.  It questions me about how real I am.  It calls me an imposter from time to time.  I know it’s all my mind, but it helps to put a bit of distance to it.

I have dealt with depression my entire teen and adult life.  I think it was there before, but I was unaware of it.  My depression both drives me and keeps me back.  If I can keep my thoughts focused on tasks, I hold depression at bay.  If I let them meander, then I’m in trouble.  That’s how it drives me.  It is out of self-preservation.  If I want a normal day, work!  Work hard.  Keep focused.  Stay alert.  If I don’t get enough sleep, then I lack the energy to deal with it.

I have been to the extremes, and I have fought, clawed, crawled my way back.  It has always been because how active my mind is, and how – if I don’t focus – it goes into “critical” mode.

A few years ago, I was at a very low point.  I tried all my tricks.  None worked.  I was sitting at work, and I could not focus on a simple calculation.  I could not make the spreadsheet work.  I could not even do any programming.  All things that help me focus my mind.

I did a search for psychologists in the area.  I found three.  One was the partner of someone I had been to before for couple’s therapy.  The other two were unknown.  I sent three emails and only one responded.  We set up the appointment and we started working together.

I have never cried so much, so often and with so much anger pouring out, as the first few sessions.  It was mind-blowing.  We made progress.  I learned how to cope.  I learned that Transactional Analysis – introduced by Dr. Michael Berne.  It was popularized in the book I’m OK – You’re OK by Thomas Anthony Harris.

The funny thing is: It did not fix me.  I was given a set of tools, and an understanding of how to use them.

I told you all of that, to tell you this.  Doc told me that the more in control of my three sets of inner ego states I was, the quieter my mind would be.

This week my mind decided to show me what it is like to have a peaceful, restful, and open mind.  This is the fourth anniversary of depression-freedom.  Oh, I get down from time to time. That’s natural and completely different.  The forebodingly dark pit I crawled down into, is now abandoned.  I don’t miss it.

If you suffer from depression, get some help.  If you are a logical, cause and effect type of thinker like I am, I strongly recommend finding someone that understands Transactional Analysis Therapy.  If nothing else, go to the library, and pick up I’m OK – You’re OK.  Deep inside you are OK, it’s just all the noise that keeps you from seeing it.

As for me and my novel, I think I’ll put a lot of that journey into Michael’s (his birth name was Miguel) journey.